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Thursday, June 4th, 2009
11:35 pm
I had the strangest dream last night.... the strangest dream I've had in some time. I sleep with a notebook beside my bed in order to record my dreams in the morning, and I haven't written in it for over a month. There really hasn't been anything all that noteworthy to record until last night.  I had to get ready for work immediately upon waking so I didn't have time to write it then, so here goes now:
It's the 1993 MTV Video Music Awards. You know, the year Neil Young and Pearl Jam performed that AMAZING rendition of "Rocking in The Free World". Someone disputed this with me saying that was done at the '92 VMA's, but I knew better.  Somehow I have travelled back in time to see Kurt Cobain, possibly to touch him, but definitely to make contact with him.  Maybe even to save him?  The point is that he is the one and only reason for being here.  The VMA's are in Lafayette.  I'm there with a friend, a Chelsea/Abby hybrid.  We are waiting by the exit once the show has ended, along with a bunch of other fans, knowing that all the celebs will be exiting that way.  This is the only way out.  The guests make a mass exodus.  I could care less about anyone but Kurt.  The guests trickle out and trickle out, and after awhile it becomes clear that most everyone has left the building.  A few stragglers leave behind everyone else.  One of them is Carrot Top.  It dawns on me that Kurt is backstage pumping himself full of heroin.  We have no choice but to sit and wait.  So we wait.  And wait.  And wait.  By this time it's getting late and most everyone is gone, except me, Chelsea/Abby, and the janitors cleaning up the place.  Off to the side there is a desert table set up full of yummy things.  When the janitor goes to dismantle it I stop him.  I start eating key lime pie.  I don't remember if it was vegan or not, nor do I remember if that fact was important.  It was lighter and less rich than normal key lime pie, so I was able to eat a lot of it.  I gorged myself full of pie, I guess to stay awake and kill time, and also because it was free, tasty, and right there.  I start to wonder if there's another exit that I'm unaware of... maybe he slipped out undetected?  Maybe I missed him?  Maybe I've been waiting around for hours for nothing?  Nope.  This is the one and only way out.  It's super late now.  I've been so busy stuffing my face that I didn't realize Chelsea/Abby left me.  That bitch!  I'm in fucking Lafayette.  This isn't my city, I don't know where I am or where I'm going.  How could she just take off without telling me first?  How am I supposed to get back?  I call her and demand an explination.  I am pissed... I'm going to have to take a cab and I don't even know the address of where we're staying.  She's apologetic but very wishy-washy about why she didn't have the courtesy to tell me goodbye and explain how to get home.  She says that her boyfriend is about to propose marriage to her and that's why she had to bolt like that.  It's around 4:00 AM.  I hang up and wait some more.  Soon enough the doors open leading into the hallway/waiting area where I've been stationed (which, in my dream, looks like part of the UNO Performing Arts Center, over by the automatic sliding doors.)  I was right.  Kurt had been backstage having a heroinfest that whole time.  He is rolled out on a gurney, or maybe he stumbles out and is put into one... I can't remember.  He is suprisingly coherent, all things considered.  A few others come out of the woodwork clamoring for him.  There is one other girl that he knows a little, or at least recognizes.  She has long curly auburn hair.  No matter.  We lock eyes.  I'm dumbfounded.  We maintain eye contact as he's wheeled right past me.  As the gurney passes, he turns around to me and holds his hand up, as if to say hi/bye/nice to meet you/ where have you been all my life all at once.  I can't let him go.  I go after him and he takes my hand.  I get into the van with him.... or at least I think it was a van.  This is where it gets cloudy.  We start talking.  Holy shit!  Not only have I accomplished what I came here to do, but I'm completely exceeding my expectations!  It was kind of a Quantum Leap-type situation:  I went back in time for a purpose, which was to make contact with Kurt Cobain.  I had achieved that, but it kept going.  All I remember was that he was kind of a let down.  There came a point in the conversation where he told me that he'd lost all his front teeth.  He took out his dentures to show me.  This was a turn off.  I assumed it was because of the drugs.  That's where my memory ends.

What is this supposed to mean?  Does this have significance to my life?  The first thing that occured to me was that it was about my acting career.  Could it be that my going back in time was me coming back home?  And that my waiting around while everyone went on their merry way is equivalent to my waiting around for my career to get going?  My frustration as the hours slowly slide by equals the frustration that I am currently in the midst of?  I stuff my face with cake, alcohol to kill the pain?  My friend jumps ship, some people may give up?  But finally it's going to happen, and happen more than I expect?  And I'll be excited at first only to become disillusioned?  Oh dear god, I don't know what to think.  I am a spiritual person and I consider any sign or message that my higher self sends me a gift.  I just don't know what to do with this message.  I don't want to flip out over a dream, especially one that wasn't exactly bad.  I guess I just have to keep on going.

On a completely unrelated note, I just learned that Ben and Vanessa, my friends in Austin, have decided to move to Vermont next March.  This saddens me, a lot, on a number of levels.  First off, I was hoping to move back there and spend the summer living with them.  This is not in the best interest of my acting career though, so I guess I'll be staying put.  I'm taking classes and trying to get stuff going here.  Secondly, I'll no longer have any friends in Austin.  I freaking love that town SO MUCH.  I don't even know why.  I am so bummed knowing that I'll no longer have people to visit and stay with whenever I feel like bopping over there.  They are so lovely and hospitable losing them makes me want to cry.  I'll no longer be able to visit them during hurricane evacuations or over the holidays.  God.  Now I'm depressed.  It breaks my heart that they're leaving.           

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Sunday, May 17th, 2009
6:46 pm
I don't know about LUSH. It's the first real job I've had in 5 years and I was really hoping to build a good relationship with the company and whatnot, but it seems like I'm being dicked around. I sort of feel like I'm being discriminated against. For starters, 2 shifts were taken from me last week. I didn't know this until the very last minute, as in 20 minutes before I was to leave for the day, when the 2nd in command (Mimi) casually mentions for us to check the schedule because the manager had changed it around. And change it around she did: she drew black lines with a sharpie through 2 of my shifts, stealing one for herself. I had more shifts taken from me than anyone else. And it's not just because I'm new... there are a bunch of new girls. I was so pissed about this. If Mimi didn't say anything, I wouldn't have known to check the schedule for revisions in the first place. How convenient of her to throw it out there just as I was about to go home. And if she didn't mention it, I would have gone in the next day for nothing. Then I would've REALLY been pissed. This came one day after American Apparel called me for an interview. I told them "thanks but no thanks" since I already have a job. When I called AA back to ask for the interview since LUSH was being shady, the chick on the other end of the line said their interview slots were full and that they'd keep my resume on file. Nice. And it gets better... I thought that there was to be a training session at the Decatur store tonight from 8-10. According to the aforementioned revised schedule, everyone had "8-10" written with the notorious black sharpie marker in the Sunday slot in our columns. Since shit in my column had been dicked with so much anyway, I assumed that the 8-10 had replaced the 2-7 that was there originally. I mean, sharpie trumps original scheduling, right?? Joke's on me, because I get a voicemail from the manager this afternoon stating that it's almost 2:30 and I was supposed to be there at 2. WTF?!?!? You've got to be kidding me! First you take my hours away in the most passive-aggressive way possible and don't even have the courtesy to let me know, and now I'm being reprimanded for not coming in? It was completely unclear! To me black sharpie = change. Apparently, I was supposed to work both 2-7 AND 8-10, only the 8-10 had been postponed, which no one cared to inform me about. It just seems fishy. To add insult to injury, Mimi is a fucking narc who ratted me out for being hungover the one day I did work this week. I know, I know, it was irresponsible, but it happened. I did pull myself together, though, and ended up having my best day as a salesgirl yet. I gave 2 hand demos and sold more product than ever before. I doubt Mimi told her that part. So yeah, I now have 2 strikes against me, although the strike today was not my fault, it was Jewel's (the manager's) for not being straightforward in the first place. And I'm going to be working security at Bonnaroo next month, for which I'll have to take a week off. I have no idea how Jewel will react to this. At first I didn't think it would be a big deal since I work so little anyway... I'm only scheduled for 2 shifts this upcoming week. But now I'm scared that it will be the third strike against me. This sucks.

...on a brighter note, I'm working security at Bonnaroo! I'm excited. It should be fun. I'm also going to be an extra in Jonah Hex at the end of the month. I have a wardrobe fitting tomorrow morning. That's a first. Maybe it'll be a cool period costume, hopefully not too hot. I also need to call my agent and light a fire under her ass, because she needs to get me auditions. Now is the time!!!

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Monday, April 27th, 2009
5:10 pm
Things seem to be looking up for me.  I now have an agent and I'm about to start taking classes with a phenomanal acting coach who will undoubtedly push my craft to new heights.  I was an extra in a big Hollywood film last week and definitely got some camera time.  I also recently laid down some vocals on a friend's song, and we will probably work together again in the near future.  I just joined Model Mayhem and have plans to shoot some new photographs tomorrow.  I am doing more creative stuff now than I have... maybe ever?  At least in recent memory.

So why am I not more excited about all of this?  Happy?  Anything?  Could it be because part of me is still reeling from everything that happened?  I still cry almost everyday.  On Wednesday and Thursday of last week, while I was in extras holding, I broke down into tears, on both days at around 5:00 PM or so.  My mind would start to wander back to this ex-boyfriend of so many years ago who I've completely lost touch with and is literally just a distant memory at this point.  I'd start thinking about how he was so amazing in so many ways and how the last several guys I've been involved with were just the opposite.  And I'd breakdown and sob, fearful at the thought of never finding an amazing love like that again.  On Friday I lit some candles and meditated/wrote a bit, only to find myself in that very headspace.  I took an old picture of him from a photo album of pictures from college and burned it.  I had to do it.  It incinerated there at the end and I ended up burning the palm of my right hand.  I keep telling myself, "As my hand heals, so does my heart." 

Something interesting happened last week.  As I was walking the lakefront one afternoon, I found myself talking aloud to myself instead of listening to music.  I was contemplating everything that just hapened with my most recent ex, thinking about how he totally took advantage of my generosity, sensitivity, and romanticism.  I went over everything and how fucked up it was the way it all played out: him preying on my instability/uncertainty/frazzled nerves during the Gustav evacuation, him using that "in" to barge back into my life full blast, he inviting himself into my future plans and ambitions with nothing solid to contribute, he telling me that he was coming for a visit only to later renig and announce that he was coming to stay, him just showing up and intruding on the hospitality of my extended family, him getting me pregnant the very night he got to town, him eventually making things weird between me and said family, him moving me into a borderline slum with a crazy roommate, him going broke immediately thereafter and making me pay for EVERYTHING thereon out, him completely ruining my Christmas and New Years, him leaving me in a terribly awkward predicament once it became clear that there was no way he could stay, him no longer returning my phone calls once he got back home despite promises that we'd remain friends and that he'd pay me back, me having to pay rent on my own in an overpriced apartment that was beyond my means, me discovering the pregnancy and having the subsuquent abortion (that I had to pay for) all alone in New York City in the middle of winter, me having only the receptionist's hand to hold during said abortion, me having to sleep on a friend's floor for 4 nights following the procedure due to my deplorable living conditions, me having to leave NYC in order to preserve my sanity and recover from all the trauma, and finally me receiving a "Fuck You" email from him telling me that I was selfish, there was no way he was going to pay me back, and to never contact him again, and to have a nice life.  It made me angry to think that he completely fucked up my life while he simply returned to the normalcy of his.  To him this was a vacation.  It made me angry to think that he probably brags to people that he lived in New York, when in actuality he was just a guest in MY life. He never paid rent, he never got a job, and the few interviews he went on I found for him.  So I'm walking along the lakefront contemplating all of this, and over the course of my hour-long walk I see 3 snakes: one on the sidewalk right beside the seawall, one swimming in the water, and one really long black fucker entwined in a chain-link fence with a dying lizard in it's jaws.  Right then and there, I equated my ex-boyfriend with a snake, and promised myself that I wound never fall for a snake in the grass like that again.  

It occured to me too that I'm still in hardcore healing mode, the abortion will be 3 months ago tomorrow, and the tears that I've been shedding over my good ex are perhaps scapegoat tears for everything else.  Yes, it sucks that I entrusted my heart to a snake, and that Brent would have never in a million years done what Alex did to me.  I don't know though.  I simply was not ready for real love at the age of 20.  I am only now starting to be ready!  There were some deep-seated issues that had yet to hit the surface, and I suppose too that there were more lessons I needed to learn... or something.  Whatevs.  Like I just said, I'm still in hardcore healing mode.  As my hand heals so does my heart.

This past weekend I went to the Festival International de Louisiane, this amazing French music festival in Lafayette that celebrates Acadiana's French heritage.  I found myself slipping into an old bad pattern.  This guy asked me if I wanted to learn to Cajun dance.  I was already pretty drunk.  One thing led to another and I wound up in bed with him.  And of course I started it, just like I always used to in similar situations.  We didn't sleep together but we did make out and stuff.  Details are hazy.  Of course I wind up freaking out and crying, but I have no recollection of what it was that set me off.  I used to do this kind of shit ALL THE TIME.  I did it a lot 5 years ago when this punk-rocker-junkie-turned-born-again-Christian named Derek and I broke up after barely dating three months.  This was right after I moved back to Louisiana from Ohio.  It felt like the end of the world at the time, but now it seems almost comical how much I let that breakup upset me.  I'd go out and get drunk and go home with a guy and start crying during the middle of sex.  How horrible and self-destructive!  The incident over the weekend was a reminder of the kind of behavior that I DO NOT WANT TO REVISIT.  I guess it's a good thing to keep that in check.  It was a minor slip-up that will not happen again.  My emotions are still too raw to even entertain the notion of being intimate with anyone right now. 

current mood: hungry

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Thursday, March 26th, 2009
2:09 pm
In keeping with recording my dreams, a compilation of which I hope upon reviewing in the (near) future will provide insight, here's what I saw last night:

The details of this one are a bit cloudy.  No ex-boyfriends this time, finally.  I think I was in Mandeville or NOLA, and I was elected prom queen or mayor... maybe both.  They were possibly one in the same in this dream.  I really wish I could remember more.  At one point I was sitting at a table cafeteria-style with an older woman who was talking about how after a cold (I think... details hazy) the ringing in her ears stopped.  These are the only details I can recall.

...So after weeks and weeks of feeling lost, directionless, and overwhelmed regarding my immediate past and foreseeable future, I finally have some clarity about what to do with my life in order to get back on track.  Though I love Austin dearly (there's a Justin Timberlake sing-along at the Alamo Drafthouse tonight.  Rock!), I have decided to come back home to Louisiana for a while longer.  It's a fact that there are more opportunities to further my acting career in New Orleans.  I took an Improv class on Tuesday night with Tom Booker, this great teacher who offers free workshops to prospective students and interested parties in between semesters.  Let me tell you, I was not feeling very funny on Tuesday.  My depression was getting the better of me, I was on the verge of tears all day, and feeling very confused and conflicted about my life.  I almost skipped the class.  I'm glad I didn't.  I spoke with Tom after the workshop, told him I was thinking of moving to Austin, and asked him what the acting scene was like out here.  He told me that there was a thriving comedy scene, but as far as film opportunities, they are few and far between.   This got me even more dejected.  I sat in my car bawling my eyes out over everything, over the fact that the only real love I've ever had I lost of my own free will over six years ago, over the fact that I was a complete fool to allow a total loser in no way or shape worthy of me back into my world only to destroy everything I'd worked so hard for, and how when I think of New York now I don't remember love and opportunity like I used to... I remember pain, struggle, isolation, powerlessness, and shit.  This is what upset me most of all.  

The following day I was still feeling confused and conflicted, but one thing was very clear: I am not ready to give up on NYC.  I cannot leave on such a sour note, it would be something I'd regret.  The more I thought about it, the more clear things became.  I need to go back to NOLA, continue seeing my counselor, and try and get started there: get new headshots, send them out to local agents, take classes, get a demo reel together, and start a website.  Then I can come back to Austin and take Tom Booker's class over the summer.  And after that, if I'm still feeling the itch, go back to NYC, preferably in the time of Leo when the energy is firey and confident.  I just cannot, and will not, give up.     
 

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Tuesday, March 24th, 2009
6:06 pm

...and the whole Alex debacle just sickens me.  He had absolutely no right interfering with my life the way he did.  I shouldn't have let him in, but I was just really wanting love, like Brent did when he was my age.  Hindsight certainly is 20/20.  Fuck that dude. 

current mood: disgusted

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5:12 pm

Okay, I had to journal about this.  So my ex-boyfriend and first and only real love yet this lifetime Brent has been appearing in my dreams recently.  Two nights in a row even.  Today I got really sad about it.  I was in the middle of a thrift store when I started thinking about him, about how great a guy he was, about how it's long over and yet, six and a half years later, I continue to be haunted by his ghost.  I felt the urge to crouch down in a isolated spot between racks and cry.   Why do I still think about him after all these years, especially after such a time lapse?  I didn't have this problem until about a year ago.  Why is he now appearing in my dreams?  I reached out to him while I was in NYC.  This was a week or so before I found out I was pregnant.  After weighing the pros and cons in my mind, I sent him an email.  It was concise and to the point, a detailed paragraph or two.  I told him that I wasn't sure if writing to him was a good idea or not but I was all alone in the city and really in need of guidance.  I told him how I worked really hard to pull myself out of my post-Katrina funk and make it back to NYC.  I told him that an ex of mine pretty much invited himself up there and ended up leaving me in a pretty tough spot.  I told him I was freaked out, overwhelmed, and all alone.  I asked him if he knew of anyone hiring or if he had any words of wisdom for me, since he was a NYC newbie himself once too.  I told him that I was happy for him, for all his successes and achievements and wished him well.  I gave him my phone number.  He never called me.  He never wrote me back.  I can't say that I'm surprised.  I doubt that I would've emailed Brent if it weren't for Alex screwing me over the way he did.  I simply could not call Alex and invariably go straight to his voicemail ANYMORE, and I figured that I had more to gain by reaching out to my other ex.  There was certainly more to gain than to lose.  But he never wrote me back and I cannot help but wonder why.  I cannot help but wonder what ran through his mind after reading my email.  If he only knew how I still carry a torch for him.  And it's strange, because I didn't start feeling heartbroken over Brent until early last year.  It had taken 5 years for the impact of our break-up to truly hit me.  By this time he was long gone and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.  And so it's been for the last year.  I think about him every day.  I think about how we were in two completely places in our lives and how things may have worked out differently if we'd met when I was a few years older.  I wonder if he knows how much he and our relationship meant to me, even if it took me 5 years to realize it.  I wonder if he knows that I still cry about him sometimes... more often than I'd like.  I wish his ghost would stop haunting me.  What will it take?  I just don't want to be pining over this guy for the rest of my life.  He was my first real boyfriend and he set the bar really high.  I want with all of my heart to meet someone as amazing as Brent.  He was the total package and I cannot stop kicking myself for letting him go!!!!  What can I say?  I was all of 20 years old and in no way capable of giving him what he wanted yet.  It wasn't until I neared my 26th birthday that I finally understood where he was coming from and what he wanted out of a relationship.  He was 26 when we met.   Like I said, I'm sure things would've worked out far differently if we'd met when I was a bit older.  I simply wasn't ready for a serious relationship, the real thing, the end all be all, the man I would marry, at that point in my life.  I was looking for my first love, not my last, and I guess he was looking for the opposite.  But it's ancient history.  I cannot continue to beat myself up over this.  It's not fair.  Yes, I would love to let him go.  But how am I supposed to do that when he appears in my dreams?? 


current mood: heartbroken

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Monday, March 23rd, 2009
2:56 pm
I'm here in Austin and the weather is amazing.  I am staying with Ben and Vanessa and their new baby girl Luci who is ridiculously adorable.  I've been here for about a week.  SXSW just passed and it was quite the event.  The whole city came together for this festival... even churches served as performance venues.   Creative people from all around the world came together to celebrate and share music and film, although I missed the film part of the festival.  People were playing music and dancing in the streets.  It was nothing short of amazing.  The coolest part of the whole thing is that there was so much free stuff to enjoy.  There were free performances, free food and drink, free parties... it would not be out of the question for a person to come to SXSW completely broke and still have a full day and night of activity and entertainment.  It was a great time and I saw many amazing performances, but I am glad that it's over.  It's 2 days later and I'm still in recovery mode, similar to that of post-Mardi Gras, the only difference being the ratio of alcohol consumption from one event to the next.  I wasn't nearly as liquored up this time around.  I did, however, manage to injure myself by running and falling forward on a pebble-encrusted sidewalk, severely wounding my right knee.  Funny thing is that I wasn't even drunk, just enthusiastic.  Oh well... this injury is in direct contribution to said recovery mode.  The wound still has yet to completely close and really fucking hurts.  I injured myself during Mardi Gras too, again by running, only then I was indeed drunk as shit.  That time I managed to twist and sprain my foot, an injury that has taken about a month to subside.  Perhaps the lesson here is to think twice before running around like an idiot.  Ha!  What can I say?  I get excited sometimes.  I also cannot help but notice how much longer it takes my body to heal than it used to.  Yay for getting older!  But yeah, I am looking forward to enjoying Austin now that the craziness has died down.  I am taking an improv comedy class tomorrow night at Esther's Follies, which apparently is an Austin institution.  They had a bunch of famous comics perform there over SXSW.  I am excited and a bit nervous to see what that'll be like, and I'm hoping my knee continues to heal up too.  It looks and feels pretty gnarly.  My friends have offered me a place to stay for as long as I like.  They really are amazing people.  I'm sitting in their backyard right now along with the chickens.  They have chickens!  3 of them!  And the neighbors have chickens that come over and hang out in their yard too, so here's always a multitude of chickens milling about!  Truly something special.  There is a mean old pug that lives next door.  It's name is Bobo and it barks a lot.  I've never met a pug that wasn't friendly and personable before.  I guess there's a first time for everything.

I'm still not sure what to do.  I really like it here.  Austin is an amazing, creative, vegan-friendly place.  It's also warm and close to home.  I'm trying to open my mind to the possibility of moving here, but I don't know if I'm ready to give up on my New York dream just yet.  I guess it's best not to worry and to just enjoy my time here and know that things will eventually fall into place.  I told Vanessa that I may need some time to figure out what I want to do and she understands.  Right now I'm seeing a counselor in New Orleans and we are just beginning to scratch the surface in terms of things to work on and progress to be made.  It would probably be a good thing to stick with that for a while longer.  For now, I will continue to blog, journal, and write. 

current mood: mellow

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1:06 pm


My dream last night:

I was in New York, looking for someone to take photographs of me (I think).  Somehow my ex-boyfriend Brent and I began texting/facebooking and we made a date for him to take the pics.  I must have sent him some nervous-sounding messages of some sort because he told me to just relax and that I was welcome to come on over for dinner.  I thanked him for the invite but told him I was vegan and that I had to stop briefly and pay a visit to a friend in Greenpoint first.  I ended up in a store crowded with holiday shoppers.  There was a girl puking on the floor, but not too much.  They had a table of food set up and I went to get some cake.  So it was the Xmas season again and I thought to myself how this year had flown by.  Eventually I met up with my ex.  I think we were walking when we ran into Patrick, who is my friend's roommate in waking life.  I thought to myself how it was a small world for us to both know this guy, me from back home in New Orleans and he from back home in Florida?  In any event, Brent suggested setting me up with Patrick.  I declined, telling him that if I wanted to get together with Patrick, I would've done so in New Orleans.
                                                                                       
                                                          *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Brent made an appearance in another dream of mine recently, this one about a week ago, the night I slept over at Mickey's house.  We slept in seperate beds and it was completely innocent, though the sexual tension in the air was palpable.  What I remember from my dream is that Brent called me on the phone, I guess to get in touch and reopen the lines of communication after I sent him that email.  He basically called to see how I was doing when I told him that I wasn't in NYC, I was back home in New Orleans.  This is all I remember.

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Thursday, February 26th, 2009
6:44 pm - mardi gras was just what i needed
I had so much fun at Mardi Gras this year!  My family got a hotel room downtown from Sunday night through Wednesday afternoon.  I was a bit worried that I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself because I'd be too absorbed in thoughts of all the bullshit that went down in NYC, but to the contrary, I didn't think of that stuff at all!  I was too busy having fun.  It was just what I needed.  In addition to the fact that I was able to put thoughts of those hard times behind me for the very first time, I was able to actually enjoy the company of my stepfamily and their friends.  I didn't much care for them growing up and it's nice to finally relax and have a lassiez faire attitude about it all as an adult.  Chelsea, Dave, and Molly spent their Carnival with us also, and they too are like family.  All in all it was a great time and there was minimal drama.  We met some interesting characters along the way, including several individuals on the Bacchus route who absolutely added to the merriment of our evening and this really cool Canadian woman staying at our hotel named Barb who came out to the Quarter with us Tuesday night and had the time of her life flashing her tits on the balcony of Cat's Meow.  My stepbrother dragged us to Bourbon and INSISTED that I sing karaoke, to which I finally obliged after 4 rainstorms from Pat O's.  I was literally in the middle of singing "My Humps" by Black Eyed Peas as the patrol cars and street sweepers cleared Bourbon Street at midnight.  How freaking random and amazing is that?!?  It turned out to be a really great time.

current mood: calm

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Friday, February 20th, 2009
10:29 pm
So I am an emotional girl.  I went to the Orpheus parade in Mandeville tonight and all was fine at first... until I started crying.  I don't even know why, really.  I started thinking about that stupid aforementioned crush and how he's probably busy fucking his new girlfriend.  I started thinking about stupid Alex and how I'd still be in New York if it weren't for him.  I thought about how I could have been somebody's mother.  But most of all, I thought about how I really don't know what to do next.  This totally frightens me.  Do I still want to be an actress?  Yes.  It's just that after everything that's happened over the past few months I'm still a bit too traumatized to really get my head in the game.  I just don't know what to think.  I don't really have a Plan B, and now I'm starting to think that I may need one, and I don't like thinking that way.  I am just SO ANGRY that all this happened.  I was doing just fine until that waste of time came back into the picture and messed everything up.  Now I'm back at square one.  The anger manifests itself in tears.  I am also really scared.  I don't know what's right anymore.  I just really want to get past all this, to be able to go out and enjoy a parade without my mind drifting back to the failed relationship and abortion and everything else that went wrong.  In the grand scheme of things, I suppose it's still too soon.  I really doubt that most people would feel completely better and back to normal after 3 weeks.  Lately I've been getting these chronic reoccurring headaches and I think I may go see a doctor after Mardi Gras.  My guess is that they're due to stress and hopefully not anything too major.  I don't know if I'll be ready to go back to NYC for that class next month.  The thought of it is hardly appealing at this point.  I'm just ready for things to start going my way.  Things, please start going my way!!!  I am making a conscious effort to get better and move forward.                    

current mood: pensive

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Thursday, February 12th, 2009
1:22 am
So I'm back at home.  I've been through so much.  My roommate turned out to be a crook and the "love of my life" turned out to be a child... a crazy one at that.  I need to regroup.  I am damaged.  I am hurt.  I do not intend to stay this way for long.  Today is his 21st birthday.  I hope it sucks (for him.)   I'm trying to recover from it all.  I am actually pretty drunk at the moment.  Oops.  I met up with my friend Bridget for some red wine and good conversation.  She and I really get on well.  She's a Sagittarius and I'm an Aries.  I am SO GLAD to be over with that Mahogany situation.  "Mahogany Inc?"  Gimme a break!  She answers the phone like that.  How delusional.  There is no Inc!!!!  She used to call me Britney and Alex K-Fed.  How comical!  I've been going through a rough time.  Like I told Bridget, I have my good hours and my bad hours.  Some good luck is due my way.  I feel like I've paid my karmic dues.   

current mood: drunk

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Monday, January 26th, 2009
6:24 pm - so it goes
 This is the first time I've written in my livejournal in 4 years.  Imagine that.  I am back in New York but going back to Louisiana for a few weeks.  I am pregnant.  I'm having an abortion on Wednesday.  Alex Armond is a complete disappointment, let down, and fuck up.  I won't bother retelling the story here as I have in my handwritten journal.  I won't waste my time.  This latest New York experience has been a very difficult month and a half.  I was headed somewhere and doing okay when someone from my past came back into the picture.  He made promises that he couldn't deliver and crashed and burned pretty bad, actually.  It's been a challenge to not feel those 'crash and burn' vibes.  I'm living in the apartment that we moved into together and it reminds me of him.  It's a bad feeling.  It makes me angry more than it makes me sad.  Very angry and used and unappreciated.  The fact that I am unable to reach Alex and he has made no attempt in over 2 weeks to contact me is disgusting.  He owes me money and he knows he's a fuckup.  But this pregnancy thing trumps any and everything that has happened up until this point.  As far as I was concerned, the slate was wiped clean.  I was ready to have a serious relationship for a change.  I wanted to believe that we would stay together for a few years at least.  We barely made it a month.  I mean, it's one thing to shack up in my cousins' spare bedroom for a few weeks, and it's quite another to get an apartment in New York and actually have to pay rent.  Lots of it.  He wasn't prepared for the reality of city life (with me, especially) and went back on down tha road to ol' San Antonio.  Fucking worthless piece of shit.  He had no business interfering in my life like that.  I suppose I should've known better, but like I said before, I honestly wanted this to and believed this could work.  I'm a romantic at heart.

Now I'm pregnant and alone, like some random bar chick who got knocked up by a one nighter.  Like some fucking cliche.  The fact that he won't return my phone calls is simply insulting.  Especially since that is nothing new.  FUCK HIM.  Don't come to me later in life expecting any big reconciliation.

I have to pack my things, I have to tell Mahogany I'm leaving.  I cannot allow myself to be intimidated by her.  She has nothing to hold over me.  Why am I so scared to talk to her about this?  I really shouldn't worry about it.  Don't bother.

I have to go home and get rested and rejuvenated.  Enjoy being home and seeing friends.  Enjoy Mandeville and New Orleans.  Go to the Mardi Gras!  Spend quality time with your mom and pets.  Relax in the hot tub.  Perhaps start running again.  Try not to worry too much.  Try extra hard.

I need to come back to New York and have a take 2.  Wipe the slate clean again... for myself this time.  Come back ready and refreshed.  The weather will be getting warmer, and with luck and determination so will your spirits.   

current mood: indescribable

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Monday, August 1st, 2005
12:16 pm
So I'm dancing with the Sophisticats tonight. It's been a bunch of months since I last did so. It should be fun!

current mood: excited

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Thursday, March 31st, 2005
11:58 am
So yesterday I was feeling blue. I had to deal with legal bullshit in the morning only to see my ex and his friends a mere 5 minutes after leaving the courthouse. They smiled and waved. Bleh. After my night class I was thinking of going back home to the northshore. I just moved to New Orleans last week and I only have one friend over here. After calling nearly everyone in my cell phone and getting no answers, I came onto livejournal to kill time. Low and behold I saw that Margaret Cho was playing at Tulane! This was at 7:40ish and the show was to start at 8:00. I felt that this was no mere coincidence. I was destined to be enlightened by Miss Cho on this particular eve. So I got in my car and went over to Tulane sans mapquest. I got there at 5 after 8 and asked how to get to the auditorium since I know nothing about the Tulane campus, with the exception of a college tour back in like 1998. I got to the auditorium just as the opening act was finishing his routine. It was the same comedian who opened for her on the Revolution tour that I saw in Columbus, OH. This was truly a fabulous occurance, remnicient of the time I saw the Kids in the Hall back in 2002. On that occasion my entourage and I got there JUST IN TIME as well. Holy fuck, I love Margaret Cho. She is the greatest. I'm so glad she rescued my day from being a complete write off.

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Friday, March 11th, 2005
2:18 pm - Good news
I found a place to live yesterday! It's a 5 minute walk to UNO, $300 a month. Alls I need is a bed and I'm set. May start moving in next week or during Spring Break

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Monday, February 14th, 2005
4:55 pm
So how cliche am I? I freaking vomited on Bourbon Street on Mardi Gras night. Went to see the Vagina Monologues at SLU on Saturday. I liked our production better.

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Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
12:21 pm
So it's been about a month since the break-up. I've been coping alright considering it's the first time I've really cared for someone and wasn't ready to let go. I do miss him though even though he's a dick. I wonder if I'll ever see or talk to him again. Whatever, he's a stupid junkie anyway.

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Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
5:11 pm
and I made a friend today!

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4:58 pm
things are slowly getting better

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Monday, January 3rd, 2005
3:56 pm
We never started our band. And I haven't done any plays or films yet. I am such a sad egg.

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