Carrie Anne (almightyirony) wrote,
Carrie Anne

so it goes

 This is the first time I've written in my livejournal in 4 years.  Imagine that.  I am back in New York but going back to Louisiana for a few weeks.  I am pregnant.  I'm having an abortion on Wednesday.  Alex Armond is a complete disappointment, let down, and fuck up.  I won't bother retelling the story here as I have in my handwritten journal.  I won't waste my time.  This latest New York experience has been a very difficult month and a half.  I was headed somewhere and doing okay when someone from my past came back into the picture.  He made promises that he couldn't deliver and crashed and burned pretty bad, actually.  It's been a challenge to not feel those 'crash and burn' vibes.  I'm living in the apartment that we moved into together and it reminds me of him.  It's a bad feeling.  It makes me angry more than it makes me sad.  Very angry and used and unappreciated.  The fact that I am unable to reach Alex and he has made no attempt in over 2 weeks to contact me is disgusting.  He owes me money and he knows he's a fuckup.  But this pregnancy thing trumps any and everything that has happened up until this point.  As far as I was concerned, the slate was wiped clean.  I was ready to have a serious relationship for a change.  I wanted to believe that we would stay together for a few years at least.  We barely made it a month.  I mean, it's one thing to shack up in my cousins' spare bedroom for a few weeks, and it's quite another to get an apartment in New York and actually have to pay rent.  Lots of it.  He wasn't prepared for the reality of city life (with me, especially) and went back on down tha road to ol' San Antonio.  Fucking worthless piece of shit.  He had no business interfering in my life like that.  I suppose I should've known better, but like I said before, I honestly wanted this to and believed this could work.  I'm a romantic at heart.

Now I'm pregnant and alone, like some random bar chick who got knocked up by a one nighter.  Like some fucking cliche.  The fact that he won't return my phone calls is simply insulting.  Especially since that is nothing new.  FUCK HIM.  Don't come to me later in life expecting any big reconciliation.

I have to pack my things, I have to tell Mahogany I'm leaving.  I cannot allow myself to be intimidated by her.  She has nothing to hold over me.  Why am I so scared to talk to her about this?  I really shouldn't worry about it.  Don't bother.

I have to go home and get rested and rejuvenated.  Enjoy being home and seeing friends.  Enjoy Mandeville and New Orleans.  Go to the Mardi Gras!  Spend quality time with your mom and pets.  Relax in the hot tub.  Perhaps start running again.  Try not to worry too much.  Try extra hard.

I need to come back to New York and have a take 2.  Wipe the slate clean again... for myself this time.  Come back ready and refreshed.  The weather will be getting warmer, and with luck and determination so will your spirits.   
Tags: nyc, tough times
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